Makaul's 11th bday!

this year since makaul is getting older, we asked her what she wanted to do. if she wanted to have a party again, or maybe pick a couple friends and go stay in a hotel that had a heated pool. She choose to do the hotel thing. i was worried she wouldn't like it as much but she loved it. I picked up her and her friend taylor and we headed to the hotel! nanna, daddy, brent, and his friend noah, all came later. also my aunt surprised her by showing up for a few minutes, and jason's sister, and charizma came for a little bit to.

Kira, makauls other friend came, and they swam, and swam, and swam. i pulled them out of the pool at 10 when it closed, and headed upstairs were we had feet massages waiting for them. 3 girls in a queen bed is hard, in fact makaul feel out of the bed, we put her with nanna and me. that was even harder lol! we didn't get much sleep but they sure did have fun and will remember it for a long time.

A New Year!

Its 2012!!! I thought I would try to update this more. since i didn't write on here much i decided to give some highlights of 2011!

Jason: Jason has been working very hard, ( as always) i have seen jason grow as a father, and a husband threw 2011! he has been a very supportive husband this year as i had some up and downs that i had to deal with! i have seen his relationship with god grow!!!


Me- 2011 was a lot of schock's ( getting pregnant) , a lot of sadness ( loosing baby, then finding out it was a etopic ) i lost myself for a little while ( what did god want for me, i survived a etopic rupture) i also had some peace( i figured out i can only be me, not what others want me to be) and fear and excitement all at once ( getting pregnant again, and having to fully rely on god to take my fear away) . it's been a long year but i have grown a lot. more than most see.

Makaul- 2011 brought makaul to a new level with God. she had to learn that sometimes friendships don't turn out like you want, she also found some new friends. threw all of that she learned to talk to god more, to cry to him, and to trust him. she went to camp in the summer, and she had a blast. she is a very independent kid. She had her first true crush, and also had her first guy crush on her. lol! she told him she is to young to date! she said maybe when they are older. she has become quite a little dancer! i love to see the young women she is becoming.

Brent- Brent made it threw his 1st year at a different school. he has grown so much within 2011! very seldom do i see sensory in him. he is also learning to try food's that aren't really in his comfort zone, we don't get a lot of new likes but at least he is trying. He also went to his first camp, which is a huge deal for him, to be away from mommy for more than a night. he did great and only had one melt down. i love his growing vocabulary , and how he tries to use it out of school.

the barbaree family is growing and we can't wait to meet baby Jaydon! 2012 should be a big exciting year!!!!!!

new stuff!

well here we are almost thanksgiving and i just have been so busy and haven't been able to write. so i guess the question is, what's new with the barbaree's. A lot!!!!!

Makaul is loving 5th grade and doing great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is dancing still and is loving it also. she is having a great start to this school year.

Brent is doing good in school also, he is much more comfortable and shape academy this year, and is reading really good.

Jason, Makaul, Brent, and I have a big anouncement: there will be a new barbaree in march! actually Makaul and Brent will be having a baby brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

more on the baby another time, its an amazing story. i am gonna try my best to keep this updated a little better. we will see how that works.

Cowboy Stadium!

In January for Makaul's birthday Nanna and Papa gave her a tour of the cowboy stadium. we waited until June to go because she wanted her cousin to go with her. so after a very long wait , we went. it was amazing!

Her face threw the whole thing was pretty much this...










Makaul absolutely loved being on the field.




i think one of her highlights was the locker room!



i think her favorite thing was when daddy bought her a football and they played football on the field.













she had a great time and said it was way worth the wait.

wow, its been a little while since i have set down and wrote. i think i needed sometime to just deal with everything that has happend. Since september our world just kept getting turned upside down, so much that i think we now are pro's at living when our world is upside down. our family goal is no hospital visits for at least two months! we have learned that what doesn't kill you , really does make you stronger. actually its god pulling you threw those things that make you stronger. that i am thankful for. one day i just woke up and it seemed i was having more better days and sad days. there are days it still gets to me, but for the most part we have healed.

i have gone threw a lot of phases. i couldn't hold a baby for a while, i couldn't be around pregnant women, or i would start having a panic attack, and quickly find a reason to leave and go cry it out in my car. i felt horrible for feeling this, but if your reading this and your one of those pregnant ladies i hope you had no clue what was going on with me, i am very happy for each one of you! it was just to soon to fresh! i am getting better, and better with handling it. the fact is no one really knew any of it because i was embarrassed of how i was dealing with it. Then there is the whole blame game! blaming myself was and is hard to go threw. this one still stings a bit, but in the end i know it wasn't anyone's fault, its the way it was suppose to be. see i have been even more messed up than my normal messed up self :) .

After my mom's episode of passing out, falling and a careflight to the hospital, her doctor looked at us and said, you guys need to go on a peacefull vacation... it just so happend that we had one coming up the next week. it deserves a whole post on its own. i am going to try to keep this updated a little bit more, and for a while, it might seem like a lot but we have had done so much this summer that isn't posted yet! so watch out The Barbaree's are back in town.

a song by fm static

I'm feelin' trapped inside this house,
The words I want, they won't come out,
Feel like a ghost inside these walls,
It's like no one sees me at all

I want to say, what I want to say,
And hope no fear gets in the way,
But whether I succeed or not,
Help me heal this broken heart

When everything seems crazy,
And I don't know If I can take it,
I know, I need a little more help than I've ever had,
And a little more love than I've had yet
I feel shaken,
And I don't know if I can make it,
I know, I need a little more faith than if I believe,
'Cause every step I take, you're breaking me again

I get so lost inside my head,
I'm saying things I've never said,
The prayers I want, they won't come out,
A war between confidence and doubt

I want to say what I want to say,
And hope no fear gets in the way,
But whether I succeed or not,
Help me heal this broken heart

When everything seems crazy,
And I don't know If I can take it,
I know, I need a little more help than I've ever had,
And a little more love than I've had yet
I feel shaken,
And I don't know if I can make it,
I know, I need a little more faith than if I believe,
'Cause every step I take, you're breaking me again

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
[Repeat]

When everything seems crazy,
And I don't know If I can take it,
I know, I need a little more help than I've ever had,
And a little more love than I've had yet
When everything feels shaken,
And I don't know if I can make it,
I know, I need a little more faith than if I believe,
'Cause every step I take, you're breaking me again

When everything seems crazy,
And I don't know If I can take it,
I know, I need a little more help than I've ever had,
And a little more love than I've had yet
I feel shaken,
And I don't know if I can make it,
I know, I need a little more faith than if I believe,
'Cause every step I take, you're breaking me again

'Cause every step I take, you're breaking me again

2nd chances!

i really don't know were to begin really, the last few months have been a blessing and a nightmare all at the same time. If you don't know we lost the baby. i am sure that one day i will be ready to share all the details, but not here, not now. i do fill god telling me to write the whole thing out, and i am, don't know if its for me or for someone else but i am doing it.

this post is titled 2nd chances, and mainly because i apparently was close to dieing. When i would take a shower this last week and a half, i would just sit( my mom has a seat built in to the shower) and just ask god, you kept me here, and i am grateful, now what do you want me to do? its a big question, and i have no answer. none! not yet.

to say i almost died still fills really weird, i mean up till now the only hospital stay i have ever had was when i had my kids, so it all seems so unreal.

i do fill very blessed to still be with my family, and i have seen so much love and support from everyone, more than i could ever dream of.

i am a little lost right now, but i know god is just shaping up something and i hope its huge! huge in a good way please!

i am home for the first time since the surgery, and i am a little scared, my mom, dad, and jason have taken great care of me. i love them very much.

pray for my kids, brent for sure- this has really scared him. to the point of he sleeps were i am . tonight will be the first time for him to sleep in his bed.